


Love is my weakness, hate is my weapon

by wickedlittleoz



Category: Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Incest, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, Sibling Love, originally written for RP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 14:33:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2312984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wickedlittleoz/pseuds/wickedlittleoz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki has a dream in which he realizes his relationship with Thor is wrong and they shouldn't be together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love is my weakness, hate is my weapon

**Author's Note:**

> A solo written for an abandoned RP in which I played Loki.  
> Information you might need: Loki and Thor were engaged and living together at the Palace, in Asgard. They had two children - an adopted Dark Elf called Sídhon and a new-born baby of their own, Friða  
> I think you'll be able to figure out the rest as you read.
> 
> Unbeta'd (as all of my work).

 It was early in the morning when he woke up. Friða was making noises in her crib, noises he knew that would turn into sharp crying in a few seconds, so he soon climbed off the bed and went to pick her up. She looked up at him with wet eyes already, lips trembling and chest heaving. He smiled at her, kissed her forehead and rocked her slowly in his arms. “Are you hungry?” He asked in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to check if Thor and Sídhon still slept. He checked her diaper too and it was clean. “Yes, you are.” As he walked over to the door to call on one of the guard passing on the hallway and ask him to call a maid for him, she began to whine again and Loki kissed her head again. “Friða, be patient. I’ll feed you in just a minute.” And indeed it took only a minute for the maid to arrive with a bottle of formula. Loki sat on the rocking chair to feed her and chuckled softly as she placed both her little hands on the sides of the bottle.

 She was turning 5 months old that day. It amazed him how quickly time had passed, it felt like he had given birth to her just the day before. Things had changed so much since then… He went through a hell of a rollercoaster that afternoon and it still made him wince when he thought about it. How close he had been to death again. His eyes instantly shot up to Sídhon’s own crib, where he slept peacefully, his ears twitching every now and then as he dreamt of something that made him smile. Thor said that the little elf healed him with frightening ease, as if he had always known he could do it, that ever-present smile that he had on his face never faltering. Loki had always known their son was a spirit of light, but he would have never guessed it meant he was a literal healer. He had caught him using his powers twice after the birth of Friða and both times he told him to stop. Loki knew better than anyone that magic always comes with a price, and even if it’s a birth power, he had to be careful.

 As if to bring him back to reality, Friða pushed the bottle away from her face, indicating that she was done. Almost all of the formula was gone, and Loki let the bottle rest on the side table, rising from the chair and sitting the baby up in his arms so that her little chin was on his shoulder. He paced around the room, gently patting her back until she let out a soft burp. He put her back in her crib and sang for her, rocking the crib until she was fast asleep again. Then he sighed.

 He was exhausted. With two kids it was hard to get any rest, even if he and Thor shared. To be honest, his fiancé was surprising him with that whole parenting thing – he was surprisingly good at it. He could soothe the kids by himself, make Sídhon listen and understand when he had to lecture the toddler and he even had learned to change diapers. It made Loki somehow immensely proud to see that his brother had changed so much, from that selfish prince to a family man, worthy of the throne, if Odin ever wished to grant him with it. And he was proud of himself for being a part of that change too.

 With heavy steps, and a heavier mind, he walked back to the bed, lying on his stomach next to Thor. His brother shifted on the mattress and threw an arm over his middle, pulling him closer until they were face to face. Loki smiled and let Thor kiss him, opening his mouth for him and sighing into his. “Did we wake you up?”, he asked, slowly opening his eyes to see eyes as blue as Friða’s staring back at him. “No,” Thor replied, voice still rough from sleep, “I woke up missing you just when you were putting her to sleep.” He felt a little flutter inside his stomach at that, a part of him still not used to what they had now, that new found type of love. One of his hands rose to caress Thor’s cheek and his brother turned his face slightly to plant a kiss to Loki’s palm, then looked back at the Trickster. “What time is it?”

 “I don’t know for sure,” Loki said, yawning next, “But I’m pretty sure we’re too early for breakfast. I think we have time for a nap.”

 With a light chuckle, Thor nodded, pulling Loki even closer and kissing his forehead, “That is, if the kids elect to let us sleep.”

 “Right,” Loki chuckled too, and tucked his face into Thor’s neck. At that, Thor sighed and rubbed Loki’s back, legs tangling with his in a mess of limbs and bed sheet. He kissed the top of his head again, eyes closing, heart beating faster at the proximity. He liked this new, softened Loki, who was willing to cuddle in the early morning, who smelled of warm skin, babies and formula, who admittedly loved him back and didn’t try to hide it behind a mask of hate and bitterness. When he had Loki giving everything to him like this, it didn’t feel so wrong to be having children and about to marry his own brother. To be honest, the more he thought about it, the less sorry he felt. He loved Loki and that was enough for him.

 

 This time, when Loki woke up, he found the other side of the bed empty. He looked down and saw Thor sitting on the floor, playing with Sídhon, who was giggling as his father lightly pressed a teddy bear against his belly. The smiled that tugged his lips was nothing he could have held back, and he sat up quietly to watch. But as soon as the elf saw him, he said “Mama!” and reached his arms out for Loki. He had no choice but to climb off the bed and join them on the floor, pulling Síd into a hug as soon as he was settled next to Thor. “Good morning, Princess,” Thor murmured against his ear and pressed a kiss to his temper. “Princess” was a pet name he still wasn’t so fond of, but had gotten used to. In a way, he _was_ Thor’s princess, there was no denying. Not after Thor had been such a charmer in crawling into his heart and making him find a new love for being called “Mama” by their children.

 “Good morning, both of you,” Loki said and let go of Sídhon, who went back to his toys, glancing up at his parents every now and then. After a while, and after making sure that Friða wasn’t going to wake up any time soon, he went to take a morning bath, filling the tub for himself and just staying under the warm, comforting water for a few minutes. Since he’d woken up he had been feeling strange, something he couldn’t put to words and that had been forgotten once he heard Sídhon’s tiny voice calling for him. But now that he was alone only with himself and his thoughts, he began to understand.

 It had been a dream. He had had a nightmare, once again. He’d almost forgotten what they felt like, since Friða’s birth he had been sleeping like a rock, whenever he got time to sleep. And he had been so tired he’d completely forgotten about the dream. Now it was coming back to him…

 

 It was always the same thing. He was falling, again. Dying. Hands shooting up and trying to find something to grasp at, but there was nothing. However, this time when everything went pitch black and numbness hit him, he somehow felt he wasn’t alone. Slowly, his senses returned to him and he opened his eyes to see his own self staring back at him. That other self was younger than him, had purple bags under his eyes, scars on his face and was paler than normal – in other words, looked weary. And he knew why. That was him when he was Thanos’ pet, being tortured by him in almost every waking hour.

 His younger self looked disappointedly at him.

“Where am I?” He asked, looking around himself. Everything was black, all he could see was Loki.

 “We’re inside your own head, don’t expect fancy backgrounds. This isn’t what we’re focusing on right now.”

 Loki (the _real_ Loki) stood and stretched, still glancing at his sides until he heard the other’s cold laugh and his eyes turned at him again. The other him crossed his arms before his chest, “Wow, I really don’t want to grow into you.”

 He frowned. “What do you mean?”

 Instead of replying directly, the Other Loki started pacing around and avoided the question, “You must be wondering what I meant when I said we’re focusing on something else right now. I’ll explain it to you even though you haven’t voiced the question, because, you see, I’m a product of your subconscious, so I know exactly what you’re thinking of. In fact your thoughts sound to me as if you were shouting them at the top of your lungs – which, thankfully you are not.” He made a short pause to let that sink, and Real Loki crossed his arms too.

 “I am here to talk about how much you’ve turned into a soft-hearted whore. Yes, you heard correctly. This is what you really think about yourself – that you’ve lost your way. Come on now, Loki, what happened to your ambitions? What happened to your hatred? What happened to those poisonous feelings you had for Thor?”

 “I’ve changed,” he murmured, the answer easily falling from his lips. Lately he had been telling people that a lot.

 “”I’ve changed.” That’s not very much a decent explanation, is it? You know it isn’t… You can tell everyone that, and even yourself, but deep down you _know_ there’s more to this. It’s much more complex than you make it show. Because you’re just not ready to admit that you didn’t choose to change. That you didn’t think. That, for you, it’s all been just a game that started off well, with sex and pleasure and watching Thor break in your hands, and now it’s gone too far and you’re losing control—“

 “Stop!” He commanded in a harsh tone, “You don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re _lying_.”

 Other Loki laughed, the sound vile and far different from what he was used to hearing nowadays.

 “I am not lying, Loki. If anything, I’m the only one who’s telling the truth here. Remember: I am nothing but a product of you own mind, trying to wake you up from this hazed state that you’ve been living in. I am here to make you understand. That is not who you are, Loki. That man playing a woman, carrying a child, building a family with Thor as if it was what you were born to be. His husband, his _Princess_. No, Loki… You know this, I don’t need to explain. You and Thor can never be happy together. You are supposed to hate each other and someday kill each other, and fight for all the while until said day comes. You can never find happiness, not as long as he lives. Remember the hate, Loki, remember the darkness, the shadows he cast on you. Remember how you were never good enough because Thor was so much better. Doesn’t he still make you feel like that? Doesn’t he make you feel like he’s superior? Why isn’t he _your_ Princess? Why must you be the one—“

 “I SAID STOP!” He felt the weight of a dagger in his palm and tossed it towards the Other Loki without thinking twice, but he vanished before it could hit him and reappeared behind him, chuckling again. Real Loki turned around to look at him, anger boiling in his blood.

 “You can’t kill me, Loki, I am inside your head. I am _you_.”

 “You’re not me! The only thing we have in common is that we’re both liars. You’re lying, you’re wrong about me, you’re wrong about Thor!”

 “Am I, Loki?” The Other Loki took a step forward and suddenly they were close enough that their noses were almost touching, “Then tell me, why do you constantly feel like something is going to walk through your door and kill one of you, or one of your children, and ruin this perfect paradise that you’ve built for yourself?”

 He couldn’t answer. He didn’t know how to.

 “You know you’re not supposed to be happy, Loki. And the more I hate to admit it, Thor and those disgusting maggots you’re raising together do make you happy. But you fear it more than anything. You know this better than me. When you’re too happy, something bad happens. It was like this when you were growing up, it was like this when you thought Thor was gone for good and you had the throne for yourself, it was like this when the girl was born. You were once again brought back to life by luck. If I were you, I wouldn’t waste it this time.”

 He finally took a step back, respecting Real Loki’s personal space – that is, if he had any, since they were having that conversation inside his head. But he wasn’t done.

“Maybe it’s time you started to act and think a little bit more like me again. If they mean so much to you… Then think about _them_ when you do something about it.”

 “Something about what?” He asked, his voice a low whisper.

 “About this crazy idea of getting married and being a family. Be honest with yourself, Loki. You and Thor have been family before. How did it work out for you?”

 Then he woke up.

 

 He was sitting in the tub, remembering that creepy dream shivering from what could be the now cold water or the weird sensation from that stupid nightmare. Slowly, he brought his knees up against his chest and hugged them, buried his face in them. What did that mean? His breathing was coming rapidly, he was scared, he was _terrified_. He didn’t want to admit that the things the Other Loki had said to him made sense. There were no lies. Loki _did_ fear for his life, for his happiness. He knew it never lasted too long. And… He sighed. Of course he feared for his family too. The way that Thor had looked at him when he woke up after almost dying in the process of giving birth had been enough for him to know his brother would be lost out there without him. If Thor ever had to watch Loki die again, who knows what would happen to him. Loki didn’t think of leaving… But he feared.

 The water was so cold that he was sure he was shaking because of it by the time he finally heard Friða crying, so he forced himself to get out of the tub, dry himself and put on clean clothes. When he walked out of the bathroom, Thor was sitting on the floor with Sídhon again, but now he had Friða nestled in his arms and was merely smiling at their eldest child while he tried to make her stop sobbing. Loki walked up to them, feeling strange after the revelations he had during his bath, and sat down next to him again. He kissed Friða’s head, her cheek and she seemed to find it enough. Suckling on her thumb, she eyed them quietly as Loki played with Sídhon. Thor let out a heavy sigh. Loki felt distant.

 

 Loki didn’t tell Thor about that dream. He just went on with their little routine, taking care of the kids and of themselves, pretending that everything was just fine. For once he was able to put his “lying skills” to good use again, and his brother didn’t suspect for a moment that his thoughts were as poisonous as they had once been. But now for what Loki believed was a noble cause.

 He was indeed considering leaving. He just couldn’t live with the idea that something bad might happen to his loved ones just because it is how it worked for him. He’d rather much be without them and save their (and his) lives. Other Loki was right, the whole thing with Thor had gotten out of hand. When Silvia helped him escape from prison, he still felt like himself. When she convinced him to move into the Palace again, he still felt like himself. And strangely, when Thor (maybe drunk or under a spell) kissed him and they slept together for the first time, he felt like himself too.

 But eventually it all became too strange. It confused him. That was when he felt the need to _kill_. To prove to himself that he was still in there somewhere, evil Loki, the monster, the villain, not just the passive little… _Soft-hearted whore_ he’d turned into. The thing is that, when he saw and heard the disappointment in his brother’s actions and words, it pained him. It hurt his softened heart. He was still searching for Thor’s approval, and it came in being good – or at least not being bad. And that he could do… Right? He could bury that evil part of him just to make Thor happy, because now he had what he’d wanted his entire life. Thor noticed and worshiped him. Thor didn’t hate him for doing the wrong things. He held Loki and told him he loved him, and when they made love he felt it was true.

  It’s not saying, however, that Loki lived a lie with Thor. He truly did love him, always had, but he used to hide it because of the way Thor made him feel – belittled under the shade of his goodness and greatness. When it was just the two of them, he understood that Thor never meant to make him feel like that. That he simply _adored_ Loki and unfortunately couldn’t make the others see the good things in his brother that he did. It was more than enough to make Loki feel completely at ease with him, his chest swelling and heart fluttering whenever they touched or whenever Thor looked at him with those eyes full of adoration. There was that part of him that longed for being loved and he let it take over, forgot the old Loki and took that different road as if it had been the plan all along.

 And now, almost two years later, he got that reminder that it was not.

 

 “Thor, we need to talk.”

 He was shaking. His _voice_ was shaking. He had packed a small bag with some of his belongings and was holding it between hands that were shaking so much he feared he’d drop it without meaning to.

 “What is it, brother?” Thor turned from the mirror to face him. He knew something was wrong, he could hear it in Loki’s voice.

 “I’m leaving.”

 He never hesitated. He looked into Thor’s eyes and tried to sound as cold as possible. _I’m leaving. Our engagement doesn’t mean a thing to me. Our children don’t mean a thing to me. You don’t mean a thing to me. I’m leaving._

 “What?” Thor’s brows furrowed and he took a step forward, reaching for Loki’s arm. But Loki took a matching step back and evaded his hand.

 “Don’t make this worse, Thor. Try to understand. This was never what I truly wanted.”

  _Lies, nothing but lies, spilling out of the Trickster’s lips, a whole millennia of practice that has come to this._

 “Loki, what are you saying? Have you lost your mind?”

 “I truly hope you and the kids are happy. Find them a good mother, will you? Not like Jane, though.”

_Not like me._

 “Lo, wait!” Thor took another step forward and this time Loki let him put his hands on his face. He made Loki look up into his eyes and the ocean of his irises had fear and doubt all over. “What are you doing?” His voice was just a whisper, “You can’t _leave_! What are we supposed to do without you? Did I do something wrong? Please let me make it up. I thought… I thought you loved me. Us.”

 Loki took a moment. He might have shown his weakness in his eyes for just a second, listening to the heart-broken (and breaking) speech of his brother’s. He really didn’t want to leave. But all of this was wrong. Marrying Thor was madness. The kids… A mistake. Thor was supposed to find himself a worthy queen that would be no match for Frigga, but would be loved by their people because if Thor chose her, then she must have a good heart. And Loki was supposed to suffer alone, as he always had done before. He’d once again find hatred towards his brother and forget the time they spent together, forget how good it felt to have him.

 “You thought wrong,” he said, and he knew Thor could see right through his lie. But he didn’t insist. Just kept on looking at him.

 Slowly and without breaking eye contact, Loki slipped the engagement ring off his finger and pulled one of Thor’s hands away from his face. He held it and placed the ring inside his palm. Thor was the first to look down and he closed his fingers around the ring before he glanced at Loki’s face again. There were tears welling in his eyes and it made Loki’s heart sink. He swallowed thickly, he wanted to kiss him goodbye, but he couldn’t. That would be weak and stupid, and leaving was all about not being weak anymore.

 Love was his weakness and hate was his weapon.

 Loki softly pulled Thor’s right hand away from his face, gave it the slightest squeeze. Then he turned around and walked back into their— _Thor’s_ bedroom. Both Sídhon and Friða slept peacefully on the bed, snuggled against each other. He could feel Thor’s presence behind him, following him as he took a few hesitant steps towards the bed. Looking at them, seeing traces of himself in Friða’s relaxed face, he wanted to cry.

 “I’ll tell them that you loved them,” Thor said behind him and Loki closed his eyes, took a deep, shuddering breath. He couldn’t bring himself to reply, and simply nodded. Before things could get worse (as in, more sentimental), he teleported out of the room and found himself standing before the Bifrost. Heimdall stared at him knowingly.

 “Where do I send you?” He asked when Loki walked in.

 “Somewhere I have never been before,” he replied calmly. He had no idea where he wanted to go. He’d rather much leave it up to fate and hope that it wouldn’t go as bad as it did when he fell through the wormhole.

 “I hope you know what you are doing, Loki,” Heimdall said as he lowered his sword, and shot him a warning glare.

  _Do I ever know what I’m doing?_ , Loki thought, but before he could voice it, Heimdall and all Asgard disappeared from his sight.


End file.
